If someone falls overboard on a cruise ship, and there is a life preserver on the wall next to you, you throw them the life preserver.
Yes, it would be great if the ship had better railings so no one fell overboard to begin with. Yes, it would be awesome if everyone knew how to swim well enough to save themselves even in such a wild event as falling off a ship, but that’s not a standard thing that’s taught most places right now.
Yes, it probably is a good idea to know how to swim before you go on a ship, but even if you know how to swim, the act of falling into the water can startle anyone into panicking, so you don’t really have time to ask them if they can swim or not before they need the life preserver. Yes, being careful around the railings is a good idea, but you have no way to know right now whether they were doing it for the Vine or someone just tried to murder them, and either way do you actually think they deserve to die for not being 100% careful 24/7?
No, you should not be expected to jump in and try to rescue them yourself when you aren’t trained and don’t know them, but that’s not what anyone’s asking you to do. They just want you to grab the life preserver off the wall and throw it towards them, or even to just hand it to someone who can aim well if you’re worried about being held responsible if you miss, or hell, you can just get out of the way so someone else can grab it off the wall.
Don’t deprive someone of help right now just because in your ideal world, they wouldn’t need it. People asking for accommodations within the current system aren’t trying to uphold it, they are trying to survive and improve their lives, so don’t deny them those because in the system you want to have in place they wouldn’t need that accommodation.
Don’t deprive someone of help right now just because you’re morally inclined to believe they “deserved it”. You don’t know anyone else’s situation, you can never have full context, and quite often, the time and effort it takes to pass judgement on someone’s worthiness is more burden on everyone than just giving them the help. And even if you earnestly feel you don’t want to help them, why would you stop someone else from doing it? After all, even if your excuse is “to keep them from helping someone who doesn’t deserve it”, you felt the first person got what they deserved, so why would you think the person trying to help them doesn’t deserve any results too?
Put down your swim class brochure and either grab the life preserver or get out of the way so someone else can.
Category: serious things
i shared something a few months ago about allergies and food disabilities and it recently started…
i shared something a few months ago about allergies and food disabilities and it recently started accumulating notes again and now it’s at 5.7k, so obviously my activity page is just people trauma dumping about their awful experiences with allergies in the tags which is. Fun.
but what’s really getting me is how i made a comment early on in the reblog chain about how many personal and professional activities revolve around food and how much it sucks to have to either put yourself at risk or miss out on those opportunities, because people often react badly either way if you cause them even the slightest inconvenience
and EVERYBODY who has responded to that comment. and I mean everybody. has focused on “personal” and made comments about how “if your friends don’t respect your food disabilities, they’re not your friends” and “you’ll meet more supportive people in future” and all of that
and not one of them has paid any attention to the “professional” part of that. I’m talking about work Christmas dinners where if you don’t go you’re not a team player and will probably get passed over for future opportunities, but if you go, you’ll get sick and HR will be mad about the extra time off. I’m talking about networking dinners and business lunches and meeting people at the buffet table at events, all of which are fraught if not impossible. I’m talking about travelling for conferences or other events and having to bring an entire extra bag with food because the venue can’t cater for you (hand luggage only just ain’t even an option at this point, so yay, extra costs if you’re travelling further afield)
and also! smaller things like job interviews where you have to wear “smart” clothes (fitted waistbands and IBS? A Nightmare). dress codes in general. working in a building where the nearest toilets are on the opposite side. not being able to trust the work kettle/microwave because it might be contaminated but not having the facilities to bring/use your own. not being able to use communal tea/coffee/milk supplies for the same reason. all of those little everyday things
it isn’t just about friends. it’s about LIFE. i’m in an industry where events, lunches, etc are a common occurrence, and a nightmare for me. in academia, it feels like every other event involves a wine reception, which is shit when you don’t drink and don’t love being around people who are drinking a lot. in the office, i can’t participate properly in any of the seasonal social gatherings, whether they’re tea and biscuits or a Christmas meal
food disabilities have PROFESSIONAL impacts. because they are disabilities. it isn’t just about having fun or hanging out with friends. it affects my career and my opportunities and it is INVISIBLE because people don’t even know to recognise the ableism when they’re doing it
i am tired of people ignoring that facet of it all
You know what we don’t talk about enough in the aromantic community? That moment after you accept…
You know what we don’t talk about enough in the aromantic community? That moment after you accept yourself as aromantic whre you suddenly realize that you have no goals.
Like sure maybe professional goals and stuff, but personal goals? It feels like everyone else has a plan. Like they’re all going to get married by 25 and have kids by 30 etc. and you don’t have any. You’re future is suddenly feeling very empty, because even though you didn’t necessarily want that future, at least it was a plan.
A plan that revolved around having someone who loved you unconditionally and promised never to leave you.
And now that you’ve realized that that promise comes with stuff you might not want, and the whole idea is scrapped, well your future suddenly starts to look very, very lonely.
laura's mathom house 2023-07-15 17:38:14
When does your pet fully trust you?
A stray thought that occured to me today, about pets and trust.
After over 20 years of having pets of all kinds, that came to our house in various stages of trauma and varying levels of experience with humans, there is way always one foolproof way to tell if an animal actually trusts you.
Removing eye crusts.
(I’ve only had mammals, so I can’t speak for birds, repriles and other various and sundry animals, but this rule has held true for numerous cats, dogs, rats, hamsters, two rabbits and a cow.)
Just imagine it. You are likely tiny. Maybe you are big, but most likely small. Maybe you hunt, or maybe you run. Maybe you have paws with claws, or legs with hooves, or almost hands. And you get eye crusts.
Because eye crusts are inevitable when you have eyeballs that need to stay moist and lubricated. And while it’s not usually painful or debilitating, it is uncomfortable, and you may not be able to get rid of it yourself.
Enter giant hairless apes with opposable thumbs.
But these apes could be dangerous. Eyes are extremely important but very sensitive, easily vulnerable. Mere carelessness is enough to lose one. Eye crusts are a bother, but removing them isn’t worth risking losing such an important organ. If they go near your eyeball with their fingers, they will lose them swiftly, or at least learn better than to try again!
But when that hairless ape, far too big or barely bigger than you, has proven themself worthy of your trust… Then the risk seems acceptable.
So you have a crusty eye. Your paw isn’t enough to get it out. It’s a bother, but you manage.
Enter a giant hairless ape with opposable thumbs.
This giant hairless ape has been good to you, has provided you food, shelter, warmth and companionship. They have seen and touched your belly, your neck, your ears, and even your young. Not once have you come to harm. They see your eye is bothering you, so they lick one of their strange fingers and bring it to your eye.
You do not stop them, even though you could. The pad of their thumb is soft, but tipped with a claw. But they are careful, and the thin claw maybe skims your brow, but it does not harm your eye. Maybe you squirm, because it’s not exactly comfortable, but you do not struggle or stop them, you do not run away.
Because you trust them. Trust that they will not hurt, only help. That they will be careful with you.
You blink, and your eye is clear. The crust is gone, and that strange hand with the opposable thumb is petting your head, your ears, your back.
Good human.
laura's mathom house 2022-08-21 14:56:36
If someone tells you they are disabled, don’t disagree. Don’t argue. It’s not up to you, nor is their admission tragic or shameful in any way.
Believe them, support them, and respect them.
timemachineyeah:We don’t talk enough about the systemic health effects of casual fatphobia and how…
We don’t talk enough about the systemic health effects of casual fatphobia and how much they fucking skew the data to the point where we literally cannot know how much outcomes are actually related to fatness and how much they are related to society not being designed for fat people, like literal design.
My best friend cannot find a bra.
She’s fat. We won’t get into the ~why~ here because it honestly wouldn’t matter whether it was “all her fault” or whether it was a result of outside forces like genes and such, she still deserves a goddamn fucking bra that fits.
And she cannot find a bra.
She’s short and fat, and Fat Bras are usually full cup, but because she’s short the full cups are usually too tall, or the armbands around them are too tall, to the point where what’ll fit around her chest and over her boobs will also dig up into her arms or have such high coverage that she literally cannot wear a shirt with a neckline high enough. Any bra that goes out enough goes too high.
This affects her ability to find clothing, impacting her ability to go outside sometimes, because she has this tiny selection of bras and she constantly has to wash them and when they’re gone she has no idea when she’ll next be able to find another unicorn bra. They appear in a flash usually in startups that die soon after, and COVID has killed most the small businesses remaining where she had even a hint of a chance of finding a fitting bra.
So she wears bras that don’t fit. Or she doesn’t leave the house. One gives her back pain. The other is, obviously, not very active. She likes to be active.
If she brings it up, people suggest breast reduction surgery.
But the thing is, with a good bra, she does not get back pain.
But if it’s that hard to find a good bra, they say, wouldn’t a reduction just be easier?
Wouldn’t it be easier for you to chop off part of your flesh, they say, then for us to cut fabric and underwire to more sizes? As if that is normal. As if that isn’t horrifying.
It’s not just bras. It’s chairs. It’s benches. It’s goddamn shoes. It’s seatbelts. It’s exercise equipment - I just got an exercise bike for Christmas. I had to shop around to find an affordable one that was also rated to take my level of fat. If I were 100 pounds heavier, which some people are? I don’t think any equipment would have existed in a price range that any working person could expect to afford. I don’t think most people even look at the weight ratings on chairs and couches and furniture. Once you start? They are lower than you think. There are absolutely 100% people you love in your life - whether really tall men or just average kinda overweight fat people - who should not be using the things they are using. Who are not getting support from their mattress, their footwear, their office chair. It might be you! You might be thinking “but I am average size!”, but the amount of furniture out there that’s only weighted to about 200lbs? Or 175??? It’s SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU REALIZE. Get into the Proper Fat? The 350lb, 400lb, 500lb fat? There’s virtually nothing.
Seatbelts are not tested for fat bodies and seatbelt extenders aren’t regulated.
We know about the problems with too small a blood pressure cuff. With too low a medicine dose. With no MRI a really fat body can fit in for a thousand miles.
We know, from multiple studies on multiple oppressed communities, that social bias by itself, with zero other compounding factors, can give people worse health outcomes.
Now add up
+ one of the social biases with the least pushback even from the educated liberal set with
+ having a world that is literally not made for you. Where you cannot get clothes, furniture, or transportation in a way that will actually accommodate you,
+ where society is constantly blaming you for this. And even if you somehow (and if you know how, please tell me) manage to retain some sense of self worth and optimism and determination despite all that
+ that’s not gonna magically give you access to the daily supplies a person needs in their home and out in public that’ll make living safe and healthy life literally physically possible.
If you’re really so concerned about fat people’s health start a bra company. If you’re really so concerned about fat people’s health mandate changes to seatbelt requirements. If you’re really so concerned about fat people’s health have a variety of chairs in your waiting room with at least some being properly Fat Rated. If you’re really so concerned about fat people’s health, make it easier for fat people to be active by making exercise equipment that fits them, swimwear that’ll actually stay on them, athletic shoes that can bear them. If you’re really so concerned about fat people’s health ask they be included in more medical trials. If you’re really so concerned about fat people’s health, promote fat visibility and fat people loving their bodies - because hating yourself has literally never been good for anyone’s health.
If you’re using “concern for health” as a shield to allow you to judge and criticize strangers, you don’t give a fuck about anyone’s health. You’re just an asshole who prefers a veneer of respectability when you bully people. You’re hateful and we can see right through you.
But fatphobia isn’t just bullying. It isn’t just judgment from strangers. It isn’t just medical neglect and medical bias. Even if we could wave a wand and make all that go away, my best friend still wouldn’t have a bra that fits, people still wouldn’t have a chair that supports them, a seatbelt that protects them. It’s literally engineered in. And it slowly kills people day by day by day.
faeriesfanficblog:Did you like Derry Girls?Have you seen Its A Sin or Queer as Folk or My Beautiful…
Did you like Derry Girls?
Have you seen Its A Sin or Queer as Folk or My Beautiful Launderette?
Maybe you have seen some of the many viral independent news pieces by the British Channel 4 News team?
Channel 4 is a publicly owned public service broadcaster, but it is not publicly funded.
It funds itself, and it keeps its head above water.
It is also fiercely independent and pretty much the last major media bastion for really holding to the government to account.
The UK government announced this week that they want to privatise Channel 4.
When they held a public consultation on this, 90% of respondants said this was a bad idea.
Those who have informed opinions are pretty much universally against this, and see it as a political move to silence an organisation that consistent represents marginalised communities, stands for diversity, invests in foreign correspondants and holds the government to account by asking awkward questions.
I don’t imagine this will gain much traction outside of the UK and this isn’t the spectacularly detailed post I would like to make with all the links and sources but it is happening and it is bad and we need to spread the word.
laura's mathom house 2021-12-21 16:14:39
For everyone with social anxiety, this is a reminder that you don’t have to be perfect in your interactions with others; you just have to be kind and that’s literally it. That’s all that’s necessary of you. You don’t need to say the perfect thing or anticipate what they would want you to say or even exude confidence if you can’t.
Social anxiety tells us that we have to be perfect in in our social interactions, but no one is. Social anxiety sets us up for a level of expectation in our social interactions that we have no choice but to fail at, and then fall into a cycle of self-hate for failing and striving even harder for perfection.
pigcatapult:A kind person whose social justice vocabulary is outdated or inadequate for the concepts…
A kind person whose social justice vocabulary is outdated or inadequate for the concepts they’re trying to communicate is a better person than anyone who’d rip them down as a bigot for not keeping up with the euphemism treadmill. Morality is measured by how you treat people, not how well you’ve memorized a continuously evolving set of shibboleths.
laura's mathom house 2021-12-19 09:26:13
The dominant culture lies about aging. Losing my youth is one of the best things that’s happened to me. In spite of some devastating personal and global circumstances, my brief time in my 40s has been fucking wonderful.
I’m kinder, wiser, and more present than I’ve ever been. Grandiose narratives that always led to disappointment are being replaced by a compassionate engagement with what is. I know and love myself and other people and the earth better. I have less to prove and more to appreciate. I’m less objectified and this is freeing up my subjective experience. I do work that has meaning to me and I’m respected in it. I’m increasingly connected to my ancestors.
The human life course can be very hard, and we live in a world that makes it much harder than it ought to be. But clinging to youth isn’t the answer. So much more becomes available to us when we loosen our grip on what we think we should be and open ourselves to what we are: creatures who need care and are here, miraculously, for only a brief time.