- “We’re engaged now and setting out on the sea of life together in our little raft.” dude you’re both rich as Midas. you’re setting out together in a yacht, minimum
- Increasing amounts of “per my last email” in letters between Husband and Father-In-Law discussing Wife’s income from the family fortune
- Husband: “HAVE YOU HAD THE BABY YET I’M SO WORRIED I WADED THROUGH A FLOOD TO GET TO THE POST OFFICE”
- Husband: “Get the baby a suit of armor or I’m sure to crush her with hugs when I get home”
- Wife: “Teenage Daughter, could you send me my gold lamé turban?”
- I sat there staring into space mouthing “what” for like a solid minute
- I want to see this hat SO BADLY
- Husband: “Son was firing his toy cannon at my office door, so I had to sally forth and valiantly seize the enemy munitions!”
- Teenage Daughter: “My friend and I had our mutual admirer guess which of us had made which pudding to win a pair of gloves from one of us.”
- Wife quotes Byron NONSTOP
- Wife: “Fuck slave-owners and fuck the Missouri Compromise.”
- Yes, they were abolitionists
- Yes, they actually did treat their servants well and pay them fairly
- Husband: “That old widow I rent to is behind with her payments, but don’t evict her because that would be inhumane, especially since it’s winter.”
- Husband: “Wife, remember to wear your flannel petticoats to stay warm- and so I can take them off you when I get home.”
- Also Husband, not paraphrased: “How close I should lie to you and how hard I should love you if I were there.”
- WONDER WHY THEY HAD 11 KIDS
- Husband: “On our tenth anniversary, I just wanted to say that you’re as beautiful to me as always and I love you the most that anyone has ever loved anyone else in the history of the world.”
- Wife: “Hi yes I also love you the most that anyone has ever loved anyone else in the history of the world.”
- Wife: “My handwriting sucks and I’ve burned three attempts at this letter already but HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT THIS AWESOME TREE I SAW BESIDE THE ROAD YESTERDAY”
- Husband makes so. many. puns. Help.
- Wife: “Send two or three pounds of the best chocolate you can find, please.”
- Husband: “We have ice cream with dinner every day here- don’t be jealous!”
- Husband: “Young Adult Daughter, I wrote a poem about your rejected suitors. Here it is.”
- Unfortunately I cannot remember the poem at the moment. But there was a part like, “And as for Frank Lyman/He’ll never be my man.”
- Just roasting a bunch of young men with surnames you now see on Boston street signs
To Be Continued.