You all know me here for my love of dogs and dog training, but I am a certified all-around animal nut. I did my degree in fisheries and wildlife, focusing on reptiles and amphibians (specifically North American herpetofauna) but also had the opportunity to work with owls, eagles, hawks, vultures, wolves, possums, and a host of other non-domesticated species. My passion for animals and animal behavior and training really started, though, with my love of horses.
I have been riding and working with horses since I was eight or nine years old. I have always been an awkward, anxious rider; I am afraid of heights, I have scoliosis so my back is never straight, I am not pretty on a horse and I get bored going in circles so showing was never for me. Despite all of this, I also had a distinct reputation for loving “problemponies” - does your horse bite? Does it kick? Does it run off? Does it stop in one spot and never move? Does it literally lay down mid-ride and roll on you? Sweet glittering baby Jesus come to daddy. I accepted that I would never be a “good” rider, but I was excellent at working through issues and improving behavior in “troublesome” horses and that’s what I loved most.
When I was around 15, I had a terrible fall off of my own horse, Grace. She spooked as I was getting on from the mounting block, my foot got caught in the stirrup, and she dragged me across the arena. She ended up stepping on my thigh and breaking my hand, and I was (understandably) traumatized. In retrospect, I absolutely have PTSD from this incident. For months after I would panic at the mounting block; I felt like I was having literal heart attacks, and sometimes would vomit due to anxiety.
My mom shows horses in a relatively high-strung discipline, and the adults around me during that time, including my mom, were vicious to me. They told me I was being a baby, I was stupid, I was a terrible rider, I needed to show her who was boss and if I wasn’t going to ride we should just sell my horse (whom I’ve had since she was a yearling) and be done with it. Shockingly, none of this helped my anxiety, and it quickly sucked the love and joy out of horses for me. I stopped riding altogether by the time I was in college, still keeping my horse Grace but only as a pasture ornament. I blamed myself for being “too cowardly” and not being able to “cowboy” up and just get on and MAKE my horse do what I wanted her to.
A few years ago I had the opportunity to visit the director of the ranch where I learned to ride. I idolized her growing up, and I still think she is one of the most gifted horsewomen I have ever met. I told her I was no longer riding, and hadn’t in years, and she told me that out of all the people she every worked with, she fully expected that I would have had a career working with horses. I was shocked and asked her why she thought that, since I had spent literally my whole horse career having people tell me what a bad rider I was.
“You’re not a good rider. You’re a great horseperson.”
What others (and I) read as timidness, she saw as the patience and flexibility to work within a horse’s comfort zone. Where others saw bad form, she saw mixing techniques from different disciplines to communicate in a way that worked best for each individual. And where everyone saw a coward who gave up riding, she saw someone who still loved horses, despite the trauma, despite the resentment, and despite the fact that many would consider an unridden horse “useless”.
That conversation fundamentally changed how I see myself, and it also explained my history with animals. It explained why I would pursue a career with animals that I can’t even pet and why I’m drawn to the misunderstood critters (possums are my absolute favorite animals, with snakes a close second), and it also explains what brings us all here to this blog today: why I would take a chance on a little deaf puppy with no eyes, and how we could work together to create a happy, functional, incredible little dog - not in spite of her limitations, but in celebration of them.
You cannot bully any animal into a partnership. Not a horse, not a rattlesnake, not your dog, and not people. You can bully them into compliance - which is toxic, fear-based, and usually temporary. A partnership grows from seeking to understand your partner instead of trying to make yourself understood; from finding or creating ways to meet each other where you’re at; and finding joy in the unique journey that you embark on together, even when it’s difficult.
I have been riding Grace again, alone, just the two of us with no one to criticize or antagonize, and our relationship has never been better. Some days we ride through the desert. Some days I spend an hour getting on and off from the mounting block. Some days I get too anxious to get on at all so I lead her up to the patio with Pinkman and Bitsy and we watch Australian 60 Minutes and split a beer. We’re doing things I never dreamed of because she trusts me and I trust her, and I have learned to treat myself the way I treat my animals: with kindness, patience, flexibility, and compassion. I will probably always be a timid, awkward, ungainly rider, but Iam an excellent horse person and no one will take that away from me again.
Oh, and if you hear of a crabby, stubborn, willful horse with a bad attitude, let me know - I’m in the market.
I’ve been thinking about my earlier Nienna post and the connection between her and Gandalf. One of the things that stands out about Gandalf is his sense of humour, and in particular his enjoyment of laughing at himself. We see it at the Doors of Khazad-dûm; when he gives Merry an in-depth discussion of Saruman in response to a simple are-we-there-yet and Merry calls him on it; and plenty of other times. Indeed, one of the things he likes best about hobbits is their tendency to make it impossible to take yourself too seriously.
Humour, in the form of willingness to laugh at yourself, is the antithesis of pride, and pride is the root of most evil in Tolkien’s Legendarium. The characters who go bad in Tolkien’s works - Morgoth, Sauron, and to a lesser extent characters like Fëanor and Denethor - tend to be prideful ones who take themselves very seriously. Saruman, in the Unfinished Tales backstory, responds to Gandalf’s teasing with scorn and resentment.
So I’m trying to work through the connections between sorrow, compassion, humility, and humour. I think one of the things that the sorrow and compassion associated with Nienna gives to a person is “perspective”. In the words of the Valaquenta, “She does not weep for herself; and those who hearken to her learn pity, and endurance in hope.” Sorrow and compassion are tied to understanding how much larger the world is than you yourself, or the things/people/lands closest to you. It’s why Gandalf’s lack of fixed abode is so crucial to his escaping the failures of the other Istari - he values and seeks to understand everyone, not one realm. (This is made most apparent in two exchanges with Denethor, which could sustain a whole essay in themselves.)
And so it is the compassion associated with sorrow that produces a recognition of one’s littleness in the world, which frees a person from obsession with their own dignity and enables them enjoy laughing at themselves.
(This still feels rambly; there were some excellent additions to my Nienna post, so if anyone has something to add to this I’d be very appreciative!)
I’ve been thinking about my earlier Nienna post and the connection between her and Gandalf. One of the things that stands out about Gandalf is his sense of humour, and in particular his enjoyment of laughing at himself. We see it at the Doors of Khazad-dûm; when he gives Merry an in-depth discussion of Saruman in response to a simple are-we-there-yet and Merry calls him on it; and plenty of other times. Indeed, one of the things he likes best about hobbits is their tendency to make it impossible to take yourself too seriously.
Humour, in the form of willingness to laugh at yourself, is the antithesis of pride, and pride is the root of most evil in Tolkien’s Legendarium. The characters who go bad in Tolkien’s works - Morgoth, Sauron, and to a lesser extent characters like Fëanor and Denethor - tend to be prideful ones who take themselves very seriously. Saruman, in the Unfinished Tales backstory, responds to Gandalf’s teasing with scorn and resentment.
So I’m trying to work through the connections between sorrow, compassion, humility, and humour. I think one of the things that the sorrow and compassion associated with Nienna gives to a person is “perspective”. In the words of the Valaquenta, “She does not weep for herself; and those who hearken to her learn pity, and endurance in hope.” Sorrow and compassion are tied to understanding how much larger the world is than you yourself, or the things/people/lands closest to you. It’s why Gandalf’s lack of fixed abode is so crucial to his escaping the failures of the other Istari - he values and seeks to understand everyone, not one realm. (This is made most apparent in two exchanges with Denethor, which could sustain a whole essay in themselves.)
And so it is the compassion associated with sorrow that produces a recognition of one’s littleness in the world, which frees a person from obsession with their own dignity and enables them enjoy laughing at themselves.
(This still feels rambly; there were some excellent additions to my Nienna post, so if anyone has something to add to this I’d be very appreciative!)
“Today I must go on with the story, or the story must go on with me. Carrying me inside it, along the track it must travel, straight to the end, weeping like a train, and deaf and single-eyed and locked tight shut, although I hurl myself against the walls of it, and scream and cry, and beg God himself to let me out.”
It’s a three-way tie between Burn by Patrick Ness, Hamnet by Maggie O’Farrell, and Folk by Zoe Gilbert. Very different books but all absolutely engrossing.
Best sequel you’ve read so far in 2020:
Not applicable. I’ve read two books this year that are the first in a series - namely The Cruel Prince by Holly Black and The Tea Dragon Society by Katie O’Neill - but no sequels. The Cruel Prince just didn’t grab me enough, although I might still get to the next book eventually. I really need the other Tea Dragon books though because, wow, tea dragons are just the cutest things and if I can’t have a real one I at least need to read more about them.
New release you haven’t read yet, but want to:
It’s been out for a couple of months now, I think, but Highfire by Eoin Colfer looks like it’ll be a fun read! I’m a big fan of Artemis Fowl and his children’s books, so I’m interested to see how he approaches an adult audience. (Also, just in case you were wondering, not everything I read is about dragons, I promise.)
Most anticipated release for the second half of the year:
I’m very intrigued by Susanna’s Clarke’s new novel, Piranesi. The labyrinthine house with infinite rooms and endless corridors sounds like a wonderful setting. It also seems as if it might be more manageable for me than Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell, which I do want to read but is rather intimidating length-wise.
Generally speaking, I don’t really keep track of new releases though. Is that weird?
Favorite new author (debut or new to you):
I’ll say Zoe Gilbert here. Folk is a wonderful debut and I adore how atmospheric her writing is.
Biggest disappointment:
Probably Jeanette Winterson’s Frankisstein. It seemed like the kind of book I would love - I like Frankenstein, I like retellings, I like other things by Winterson - but in the end the weirdly fetishistic treatment of the trans main character overshadowed all the good points.
Biggest surprise:
Boring answer, but I can’t really think of any major surprises. I guess Snowflake, AZ by Marcus Sedgwick was a much more contemplative/ideas-based novel than I was expecting. I was anticipating something with more… plot, I suppose.
Book that made you happy:
I already mentioned this book above, but I often go back to children’s fiction when I need cheering up and wonderful The Tea Dragon Society by Katie O’Neill just left me with a great big smile on my face. It’s just such a warm, comforting story.
Newest fictional crush/newest favorite character:
Vivienne from The Cruel Prince by Holly Black was very enjoyable to read about. She’s the main character’s half-sister and doesn’t have a massive role, but I liked her more than the actual protagonist.
Burn by Patrick Ness has some great characters as well. I loved Sarah Dewhurst, Jason Inagawa, and Kazimir in particular.
Also, Albína Horáková, the landlady in Sarah Perry’s Melmoth, was not at all pleasant but a great character.
Favorite book to film adaptation you saw this year:
I don’t think I’ve seen actually any this year, apart from the Stargirl film based on the YA novel by Jerry Spinelli. Wouldn’t call it a favourite really. I loved the book when I was a teenager so I watched it on Disney+ while I was using up my free trial, but it was just okay really. There are a lot of movies dealing with the same themes in a more interesting way and, for me, it didn’t quite have the charm of the book.
Very much looking forward to seeing the new Little Women film and The Personal History of David Copperfield though, the latter especially just looks really charming and I do love Dev Patel (speaking of which, does Gawain and the Green Knight count?).
Most beautiful book you’ve bought or received this year so far:
Hamnet and Folk again. Just look at that gorgeous illuminated H! And the strong colours and the detail in the birds and leaves on Folk’s cover are just gorgeous!
Book you need to read by the end of the year:
I’ve been promising a friend that I’ll read Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo for ages now so definitely that.
Otherwise, I really need to read more non-fiction, especially around current events. I’m just hoping my ability to focus/concentrate will come back soon because it’s been absent for a while and I hate it.
Tagging: Um, anyone who wants to talk about books! If you see this and want to answer the questions then just say I tagged you. :)
“She could not explain in so many words, but she felt that those who prepare for all the emergencies of life beforehand may equip themselves at the expense of joy.”
It doesn’t make you unlovable or a horrible person if you don’t have many friends. It can be difficult to meet new people if you’re shy or quiet or have anxiety. It can be difficult to stay in touch with people if you can’t find the time or energy to remain in contact. It can be difficult to make new friends if you struggle to find people you click with or who are interested in the same things as you. None of those things mean you’re unlovable.
